March 2008
2 posts
gaetan & julien are in troubles with mr. heck and...
So, yes, I’ve moved to San Francisco.
Can we talk about that some more? Sure. But first let’s talk about packing up our old place.
Let me tell you how not to pack. If you work until eleven pm, do not not NOT start packing at that point. Don’t keep packing until 3am. Why? Seriously, how is this a bad idea? You’re getting things done, right?
No. Well, I mean, you are.
...
i've made a huge mistake.
So, the landlord at the new place is having some of the windows replaced. The window guys show up, and they are most certainly not the guy I was speaking to on the phone. One barely speaks English and the other guy only speaks (or chooses to speak) Chinese of some kind.
I open the door, they look at me, look at my bare feet, and immediately begin taking off their boots, all the while glaring at...
October 2007
1 post
you're a real details man, aren't you?
Jay: “I’m going to go visit Alissa for her birthday!” Dad: “In May?” Jay: “That’s my birthday.” Dad: “Oh…” Jay: “In November.” Dad: “That’s my birthday!” Jay: “There are days in the month where it isn’t your birthday.” Dad: “Well, fuck that.”
April 2007
1 post
what was mistaken for closeness was just a case of...
When I asked some friends, “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SHOULD I MAKE FOR DINNER?” during a particularly heavy case of indecision, here is how they responded:
Ed: “Butter.”
Alida: “YOUR FACE.”
Alissa: “Jesus will satisfy you.”
Y’all creep the shit out of me, you know that?
n. j. l.
fourth fifths of the wesabe engineering team in...
HERE’S A STORY ABOUT THURSDAY.
We were driving back from lunch in Brad’s car when this fuck made an unprotected left turn in front of us. All of sudden the car is filled with smoke and air bags and bad smelling stuff. Sam lost his shoe for a little bit.
We get out and we’re in the middle of a fucking intersection. I swear to God, the first thing I remember was this woman...
February 2007
1 post
everything he ever wrote was just a love letter in...
Issue 5 of Slash Magazine is on newstands 03.01.2007.
It’s appropriately titled “The Comeback Issue”.
It includes more drivel from this writer. A piece I wrote in 2005 that I really barely remember. But still!
BUY IT.
I’ll be more frequent with output. I promise.
I still love you. Really, I do.
n j l.
January 2007
2 posts
The company bathroom.
Sitting on that toilet makes me uncomfortable.
i have known terror dizzy spells.
The Family Christmas photos, 2006.
These were taken earlier this month. I’m still incredibly amused by how impressively broken my dog looks in these photos. For serious, I can’t stop giggling whenever I look at them.
Did I mention that I quit O’Reilly a few months ago? I get to have conversations like this now:
I’ll attempt to entertain again soon, I promise.
n...
December 2006
4 posts
kksf 103.7
My father, a moment after he gets on the phone with my grandmother:
"What? Jennie, it's not my birthday."
We’re more than a little hungover here at Ventura Way.
My mom is now trying to explain to my dad how the fanny pack she got him for Christmas isn’t really a fanny pack. He’s holding the phone pretty far away from his ear now.
Merry Christmas.
nathan j laney.
schweppes bitter lemon.
Never tell grandma that you’ve not feeling well. Tylenol, seltzer water, and a thermometer appear out of NOWHERE. Fever: 101, but that’s not the point.
I swear to god she’s about to take me to the pediatrician.
What am I even doing home?
She automatically rounded it up to 102 when she called my mother, by the way.
the west coast delay.
When announcing my phone’s death to my parents, I really did not expect them to use it as a forum to give me shit.
And that’s not even the really disturbing thing about this. “May” be their son? WTF?
njl
August 2006
2 posts
it's raining in indian wells.
First instant message of the day.
Today’s going to be a hoot.
::yawn::
the psychology of it.
<Tony> dick
<Jay> WHAT
(… 10 minutes later …)
<Jay> no really
<Jay> can I help you in some way
<Jay> I'm all about helping
(… Tony says some stuff that Jay doesn’t respond to …)
(… one hour later …)
<Tony> dick
<Jay> STOP SWEARING
(… Tony says some more stuff that...
June 2006
2 posts
know your betters.
Mom’s Birthday 2006.06.03
Grandpa told the story of Fat Irene. Don’t ask.
breakaway.
This week, your local medical professional will tattoo little dots on my grandfather’s cancerous naughty bits.
Why?
So that during Chemo time fun time, they can find his cancerous naughty bits.
LITTLE DOTS.
WHISKY TANGO FOXTROT.
THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.
Every time my mother gives me an update on these items I start a fight.
Why?
Because I tirelessly contend...
May 2006
1 post
you're what happens when two substances collide.
So my grandfather has the upcoming pleasure of going to chemotherapy five days a week. For something like three months.
OH THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
My grandmother was on the every other week plan for her chemotherapy. She pretty much failed chemo by almost dying.
So hopefully grandpa will fare better.
My grandmother has yet to retake her chemo, by the way. Her and I share a bond, because I...
April 2006
2 posts
a pink slip for the whole family.
MOM: Are you hungry?
JAY: Not really.
MOM: You're not hungry?
JAY: Not really.
MOM: How can you not want to eat?
JAY: MY GOD.
Every time I come over, my mom lays out a fresh towel, a fresh washcloth, and a still boxed bar of soap.
Never mind the fact that I have not used a washcloth since- well, since I learned to wash myself. I bring this up almost every time.
...
tempting the wrath of the whatever from high atop...
MOM: Is this my coffee?
JAY: No, that's mine.
MOM: Where is my coffee?
JAY: I dumped it out.
MOM: I was enjoying that coffee! Why did you dump it out?
JAY: ... you left the house.
MOM: That doesn't matter! I was enjoying my coffee!
JAY: Yeah, but then you left the house. You drove away.
MOM: Oh! Yeah, I see it now. You got coffee all over my dish towel!
...
March 2006
3 posts
six meetings before lunch.
I got a bunch of really sweet messages today about my being totally frickin quiet. I am alive! I’ve been BUSY. This is why!
That’s the past three or so months of my life, for those that don’t already know. Well, that and like thirty seven different other kinds of fun. Much of it involved alcohol. Most of it occurred everywhere but where I live. All of it makes me giggle.
...
love monkey.
Barrel Tasting. Mairin’s Parents. Other People. 2006.03.06
I can barely keep up with my life as far as updates go.
Also, does anybody know how to pack a bag? I need to pack clothes that basically will say, “I am someone I’m not.” It’s not that I want to do this, you understand. It’s that where I’m going, that’s just what you do.
It’s...
purple people eater
I did things and then put the results on the INTERWEBS!
And not a one of you fucks are surprised.
Studio Z and DNA Lounge. 2006.02.24.
Important news! My brain twinsie Ed has started an lj. Have you met this wonderful man? He says words! Here. Here’s a picture to convince you!
Okay, I’m going to stop. Sleep at this point is that distant uncle nobody talks to who is going to...
February 2006
5 posts
bloody mary.
George and Lydia’s and Moulton Studios 2006.02.19
Yes, I really am this far behind on pictures.
On this night, Nic and I went to Mel’s at about 3 am. Girls from USC attempted to pick us up by sending Cokes over.
I didn’t know you could even still do that.
A hint, ladies. You want me you buy me a fucking MILKSHAKE.
n j l
my cat scout.
in this white house.
MY MOTHER WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT LAST NIGHT AND HIT HER HEAD ON SOMETHING HARD.
My father has the flu.
My grandfather needs to get his prostate shrunk by some sort of death ray. Because he has the prostate cancer, you know.
My grandmother needs to go to the neurologist tomorrow because her cancer ridden what have you has come up with something else that is wrong with it.
I swear to god, I...
power in numbers.
The Isotope - 2006.02.06
IN WHICH:
Grant Morrison talks funny.
I get over a fear of jungle gyms.
Ed and I make fools of ourselves in front of people whose work we admire.
… and crying in public!
First Isotope party for us in a while, this was. Also possibly the first Isotope party in which I didn’t inadvertantly hit on the girlfriend of some creator I admire. Which...
and nobody's getting any touch.
Old Ironside 2006.02.04
Hipster clubs scare the shit out of me, truth be told. I don’t care how much I like the music. If the chick next to me looks like an extra from a Bangles video I’m going to start laughing my Special Laugh and I’m not going to stop.
jay
whose got to
give it up
if he wants to
live it up.
January 2006
1 post
mars needs women.
I’m going to find whichever goddamn fairy that came into my room last night and sprinkled me with whatever dust it is you sprinkle someone with when you want their lungs to hate, you know, air, and I’m going to do horrible things to it. The fairy. Okay?
Ow.
Plus, you know, I’m already bizarrely sick, so doing the whole sick + ALLERGIC TO ACTIVITY REQUIRED TO KEEP ME ALIVE...
December 2005
5 posts
hi ho.
careless santa.
Witness my father and I, watching the log fire thing on the TV for like no reason at all. The two of us got really confused upon seeing a hand put another log on the fire.
A debate ensued as to whether or not we should call KQED and ask them to stoke the fucker.
My father sees a kitten and decides what he must do is get out the golf balls. Later, lemons are chased.
At my mom’s, the...
land of...
The MAKE crew got custom printed Moleskines.
This has driven me ‘round the bend with jealousy. In other news, Nic’s been home sick for a week.
At the very least, I know he’s much worse off than I am.
busby berkeley dreams.
Written a week or so ago. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Like I said, I haven’t written in like a month, so I have a whole heap of crazy to get out. It just keeps coming out in conversation. And not, you know. Here. Where it matters.
the law of gravity says no fair jumping up without...
jay: it involves me cooking lunch...
jay: cooking lunch doesn't sound right at all
jay: people make lunch
jay: they cook dinner
ed: they make love
ed: and i love dinner
ed: see where i'm going with that?
ed: because i don't
November 2005
5 posts
one forty six pm.
Jay: “What are you sauteing this in?”
Dad: “Olive oil.”
(moments later)
Dad: “Did you put more olive oil in here?”
Jay: “No.”
Dad: “Did you mean to?”
Jay: “No.”
Dad: “Why did you ask me that question?”
Jay: “Okay, stop talking.”
“Everything we drink is different and separate.”
(to...
the indians in the lobby.
Happy Thanksgiving.
12:23pm
My father is going off the fucking deep end. Him talking:
“Why do I want to cook Thanksgiving dinner? I’m out of my fucking mind! Are these all the radishes I brought? You should be doing this. Fuck, give me a fucking beer. Why does this happen?”
(minutes later)
“Nothing like cereal and beer.”
(at the stove)
“WHY...
exit wound in a foreign nation.
DEAR NEW YORK TIMES DELIVERY PERSON:
How can you possibly think that if it is raining all fricking day, it’s a good idea to leave my sunday paper on the driveway, UNPROTECTED FROM THE ELEMENTS, with a HOLE in the bag? WITH THE HOLE FACING UP? TOWARDS THE RAIN?
HOW IS THIS PROGRESS? You know I hate the bag. I hate it AND YOU that much more when it AND YOU fail me.
This type of action...
working undercover for the man.
there's a little phrase called too much...
So this writer is sitting on the toilet at work. Reading, etc.
Painting a word picture here. Imagery is key. Consider yourself warned.
Now, I really can’t recreate the thought process that led to this, but what is the thing that I absolutely must do at this point? I take off my watch. Now, why would I do this? No effin clue.
I’m reading. I’m crapping. Obviously, I...
October 2005
7 posts
tony stubblebine is a huge effin' dork.
Tony and his sausage party.
Originally uploaded by jokerwonga.
One of these days, try having this guy be your boss. It’s awesome.
Later, buddy!
last night, i dreamed i went to manderlay again.
Text messages, late at night.
Jay: Drunk and yelling at Hitchcock movies.
Ed: Drunk and yelling at Bartlet’s speech.
Jay: Scotch is perfect for that sort of thing.
Ed: Guiness! For strength!
Jay: If you are in a Hitchcock film and someone asks you to marry them, you SAY NO. And god damn, these people eat good.
Ed: I think it’s well. They eat well.
Jay: Eff all that noise! And fuck...
i think somebody should call the love doctor.
Sunset Season Closer - Stafford Lake 2005.10.16 And like one other picture from the night before.
turn around three times and spit.
I have a habit of trying to find places to hide at work so I can have some alone time. Nine times out of ten it’s absolute effing heaven. Today is one of those other times, where I spend thirty fucking minutes trying to get the individually adjustable arm thingies on this fucking chair to be equal to each other. I’m going to burn down Office Depot, you bastards.
Also, stop telling...
graffiti is their written word.
(… after a long night, Jay stops the car at Rose’s place, Rose wakes up…)
Rose: “I’ll wait here.”
Jay: “What?”
Rose: “‘m gonna wait in the car.”
Jay: “Well, you can do that… but this is where you live.”
You know what bugs? My Sunday New York Times. Yes, it’s delivered to my door every Sunday. But it’s...
what's golden.
Fell Street House Party 2005.10.01
every one of them a winner.
Drunken “Family” Dinner 2005.09.30
In attendance: Erin, Mike, Ed, Chelsea, Rose, and your humble writer.
Consumed: Linguine with a white wine sauce and shrimp, salad, and several bottles of wine.
Rose and I climbed the side of an apartment building.
True story: So we played drunken Jenga for old times’ sake.. One of the little blocks said that Chelsea and I must spend a...
September 2005
14 posts
whole system's out of whack.
Recent activities.
Father and Son Laney.
ROSE STABBY STABBY STAB STAB.
My mother made a very good attempt at communicating with streetlights this night.
lifeblood.
Lifeblood.
Originally uploaded by jokerwonga.
I honestly have trouble telling if my boss is trying to kill me or keep me alive.
I’m not sure this is a good thing.
mr. president, can you tell us right now if you'll...
I had to.
(… Jay’s mom is drunk …)
Mom: “Drive slow, I want to look at the lights.”
Jay: “Uh…You mean the street lights?”
Mom: “I like how they do them. They’re old fashioned.”
(pause)
Mom: “What street is this?”
Jay: “Fucking Highway 12!”
Mom: “I like how they did the lights.”
Jay: “The...
everyone has a summer.
LOVE PARADE 2005
OH WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING. IT’S JUST PICTURES OF NATALIE AND I. AND SOME FREAKY KID.
Go easy on me. Some homeless guy attempted to get very friendly. It was NOT okay.
proper fucked up.
Montell: “Man. Pretending to be straight isn’t working today.”
Jay: “I HEAR THAT!”
WDPK 83.7 FM
My father just called me. On my office line. To ask if I had any condoms.
My mother is apparently inside my house right now.
Seriously, there’s no way I can get anything else done today.
I’m just going to sit here.
Gorked out of my mind on Crazy Juice.
This is usually when I get really really close to sending email to all of my coworkers with the word UNCLEAN repeated two...